This was bound to happen. I'm sure my parents were just waiting for the call from me (a la the one from New York) saying I had missed my flight and was stuck in a foreign country. Luckily for them, my phone was dead at the time of this incident. The following is a more or less accurate account of how Heather, Alex, and I missed our flight and ended up driving across Germany aka Ryanair, S my B's.
6:15 am - Our alarm wakes us up. We are not pleased as we had been awaken at 5 am by drunken hostel roomies. Life is a struggle right now.
6:50 am - We finally get our luggage together, check out, and leave the hostel. This should have happened 20 minutes ago.
6:55 am - We realize our flight is 5 minutes earlier than we actually thought. Regardless, we get on the metro with an optimistic mind.
7:15 am - We are still on the metro and 10 stops plus bus away from the airpot. We have to be at the Ryanair desk by 7:30 in order to check my bag. Our optimism switches to uncertainty.
7:25 am - Still on metro. I start to panic.
7:30 am - Off metro and running towards a cab. Busses are for people who are on time.
7:31 am - Although we told him to hurry up, the cabbie is going about 30 km/h lower than he should. I decide that the crazy German driver attribute is a gross misrepresentation.
7:35 am - We arrive at Berlin Schoenefeld. I feel like there is chance I can still check my bag as I'm only 5 minutes late. I power into the airport with a surge of adrenaline.
7:36 am - I realize I have no idea where I'm going. I run to terminal B. There is no Ryanair.
7:39 am - We are told Ryanair is in terminal D in another building. I run to terminal D.
7:43 am - I see on the screen in terminal D that Ryanair is in terminal A. I run back to the terminal A/B building. I have had no food or coffee yet and my muscle has turned into pastry. I almost pass out.
7:47 am - We finally find the Ryanair desk. I rush up and explain to the man that we were stuck in traffic and I need to check my bag. He tells me that is not possible. I say that I need to make the flight to catch our connecting train in Dusseldorf. He tells me Nein. I ask if I can put my bag on a later flight today. He tells me Nein. I ask him when the next flights are. He says he doesn't know. I say "Can you please help us? Obviously we have no resources available at our disposal and you have a computer in front of you. Can you please check when the next flight is?". He says Nein. Heather tells him that any other airline would help us and put bags on the next flight. He tells us that Ryanair is not any other airline. Evidently. Air Canada may be cheap but at least they're not douchebags.
7:50 am - We frantically discuss. I say to Alex and Heather to go ahead as they don't have to check their bags. Heather says that she can't leave me here. I love Heather. We tell Alex to go ahead as she had a bad time getting to Berlin. She asks the Ryanair desk when is the last possible time to go through the gate. The Ryanair woman tells her to stop yelling. Then tells her Nein. This officially makes Ryanair Satan.
7:52 am - Alex leaves to catch the plane and Heather and I return to the airport to check out our options.
7:58 am - The woman at the information desk knows nothing. She tells us to check with the travel desk.
8:01 am - The man at the travel desk tells us the cheapest flight from Berlin to Dusseldorf that day is 180 euros. A train costs 150 euros. Considering our original flight was 5 euros this is incredibly sadface to hear.
8:05 am - We see a sign saying busses to Dusseldorf are 33 euros. The man says they were 33 euros a week ago and we should have booked then. We tell him that we did not plan to miss our flight a week ago. We discover that the bus to Dusseldorf is 14 hours. The woman at the desk keeps saying Nein under her breath. She scares me.
8:12 am - We go around to various airlines and they all tells us flights out of our price range.
8:13 am - We sit down at the most annoying internet terminal. We search various flight websites. All flights from Berlin to Dusseldorf are very expensive. We find an option on a site where we can search for flights from Berlin to anywhere. We consider clicking on it.
8:30 am - We have a brainwave and go check out the rental car place. It seems to be the cheapest per person option and everything seems fine and dandy until they tell us the only cars available are ones that are standard. We cannot drive stick and certainly are not stupid enough to try and learn on a German highway.
8:35 am - We are defeated. We retire to the airport coffee shop to get fuel. I turn on my phone to call Samara who is still at the hostel. I find a text from Alex saying she missed her flight. I call her. She is on her way to the Berlin train station. At this point, Heather is walking to the bathroom. She suddenly whips around and runs back to me excitedly. She yells "Alex can drive stick!". I tell Alex to get back to Schoenefeld immediately.
9:20 am - Alex meets us at Europcar. The Europcar woman is actually helpful and seems like she wants to get us out of Berlin. It appears that she does not know the word Nein. We get the cheapest car at 144 euros plus gas. We pay and get the keys. Hope is restored.
10:30 am - We refuel with more coffee and food. We get in the car and are off. Our train from Dusseldorf to Amsterdam is at 3:15 pm and since we are told it's only a 4 to 5 hour drive, we believe we can make it.
11:30 am - We come to a fork on the highway. We go left towards what we think is Highway 2 aka the Autobahn. We learn later this is wrong.
11:50 am - We are driving through a cutesy German town. Signs tell us that we are heading towards Beelitz. This is wrong.
11:57 am - We see a grocery store and pull over. We get out with map in hand. We pick up apples and ritter sport. We ask the checkout lady where the bathrooms are. She stares at us. We ask her where the toilets are. She stares at us. We ask here where the WC is. She stares at us. Then says something in German. I swear I heard some Neins. Later I learn that the German word for toilets is toilette but from my experience with the German language, it's probably pronounced toilesstrassenwitz. We decide checkout lady is probably not the optimal person to ask for directions
11:58 am - We are about to head next door to ask for directions when we are distracted by a miraculous sight. CHEAP CHEAP LIQUOR.
12:05 pm - We debate over the merits of Vodka vs. Wodka. We find Faux Jaeger called Jag'd. It looks questionable but its only 6 euros. We end up with 6 bottles of wine and 4 26's for 23 euros. The checkout lady thinks we are insane. We still don't have directions but at least we have booze. Celebratory pictures ensue.
12:10 pm - We get directions and more snacks from the bakery next door. Turns out we were heading in the absolutely wrong direction. We head out once again. We are confident.
12:40 pm - After many failed attempts at getting on the right overpass to the right highway entrance, we are on the Autobahn!
12:41 pm - A mercedes passes us in the left lane going approximately 200 km/h. I decide the slow cab driver was an exception, not the rule, and that Germans are in fact crazy drivers.
12:45 pm - More sonic booms pass us. This is slightly terrifying.
1:15 pm - Snack break #4. We pick up more caffeine and - despite the fact that we still have ritter sports - Magnum ice cream bars. We are pleased.
1:30 pm - The German countryside is gorgeous. There are wind turbines everywhere. I am obsessed.
2:15 pm - We look at the map and find out where we actually are. We are not close to Dusseldorf. We decide making the 3:15 train is slightly unrealistic.
2:30 pm - Heather calls her friends in Leiden to find out more train times. There is one at 4:10 pm and one at 6:10 pm. We can make it.
3:00 pm - Even though we just consumed a disgusting amount of ritter sport and pretzels, I get a fry craving. It has been 9 days since my last meal and I need McDicks. We all agree we need McDicks. With a new found sense of purpose, we power ahead keeping our eyes peeled for the golden arches.
3:30 pm - After many failed attempts at getting off on the wrong exit or missing the exit completely, we finally arrive at McDonalds. We are beyond happy. We ask a woman to take our photo in front of the McDonalds as a commemorative picture.
3:45 pm - We are back on the road and feeling good.
5:00 pm - We see a sign saying Dusseldorf in 80 km. We are going to make the 6:10 pm! Celebrations ensue.
5:05 pm - We hit traffic. And a lot of it. Depression ensues.
5:45 pm - We make it through the traffic and after snack break #6, find ourselves on the road driving into a beautiful sunset. We play Tiny Dancer. We decide life is good.
6:10 pm - We find a sign saying Dusseldorf next exit. Life is very good.
6:20 pm - We are in Dusseldorf. We have just over an hour before the 7:28 pm train to find a gas station, refill, then find the train station. This is ample time.
6:25 pm - No sign of gas station.
6:30 pm - Still no sign of gas station.
6:35 pm - Still no sign of gas station. We ask cab driver for directions.
6:45 pm - Gas station located! Inside we get directions to train station.
6:50 pm - We follow the signs to the train station.
7:00 pm - Still following signs.
7:10 pm - Still following signs. It appears that the train station is not in Dusseldorf but in Dortmund, which was passed an hour ago.
7:13 pm - Train station located! We drive up the ramp to the Europcar drop off parking lot.
7:15 pm - We frantically fill up our suitcases with the booze and run around trying to find the key drop off place.
7:18 pm - We drop off the keys and run madly through the train station looking for the platform for the 7:28 pm train.
7:23 pm - We discover that their is no 7:28 pm train but a 7:40 one. We will be on that. We are so happy.
7:30 pm - We get real food in the form of salads. We discover that we still have ritter sport left over. We are slightly devastated but slightly thrilled at the same time.
7:40 pm - We collapse on the train. We cannot believe we are here.
7:45 pm - The train lady comes and gets mad at us because our tickets are for the 3:15 train and not the 7:40 train. We explain what we've just been through. She says stuff in German. I am waiting for the Nein. Finally she let's us off with a warning, saying next time we will have to buy the right tickets. I don't plan on ever traveling through Dusseldorf again so I am not concerned.
7:50 pm - We eat our salads and the ritter sport. We reflect on what just happened. We laugh, we cry. Life is good.
Some notes:
First of all, Germany is massive. I thought Berlin was in the centre of Germany but it's wayyyyy east. And Dusseldorf is practically on the Germany-Netherlands border. You can see from the map how far we drove. And most of it was on the Autobahn.
Our trip was marked by episodes of manic depression. One minute there was so many lolz and the next, we were hating life. I attribute this to excessive ritter sport consumption.
Also, huge props to Alex, our driver. We were running on very little sleep and driving in a foreign country is scary. The fact that the foreign country drive was on the Autobahn where there are massive trucks and Mercedes and BMWs going 19289 km/h makes it that much more impressive. The only time I felt a little afraid is when she said, "I need caffeine soon. I am exhausted and my eyes are starting to close". This was when we were going 130 km/h.
The whole trip - including car rental and gas - ended up costing us 68 euros each. Even though we probs spent 30 euros each on snacks, it still was cheaper than the cheapest flight option. And who says I'm not conscious with my money?
PS. I'm flying to Dublin next week with Ryanair. I plan on arriving at the airport 2 days in advance.
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